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Extracts from a straight teenager's diary. He remembers when he was younger. And then remembers a visit to a gay sauna.
Sauna first time
By Edward James
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Mike’s Diary
Saturday 10th Feb.
That particular day I’d been sitting in my room all afternoon feeling dull and I couldn’t decide what to do. I wanted to do something and I was aware that while I was making up my mind I was using up time, so I was in a kind of circle of boredom. I could hear Bren banging posts into the ground outside and he had set up a rhythm which was knocking away the minutes as I sat there staring at the wall thinking about nothing. Eventually I told myself I might as well go and talk to him as there was nothing else to do. Mam was up in the top fields checking the walls for damage before autumn set in, like she’d done every year. It was hot and I was dressed in tee shirt, shorts and trainers.
I looked about me to see him through the clear pool when suddenly I was lifted out of the water and thrown through the air. Screaming with shock I crashed down into the pool. Before long we were both play fighting, splashing and making charges against each other like stags. Like ghost hunters. On one charge Bren caught me under the arms and lifted me clear out of the water. My groin was right in his face and I struggled to get free but his grip was too tight and he was too strong. As I tried to fight back I could feel his rough chin through my shorts. I was pressing against him but Bren was not doing anything about it. He held me like that, in the air, helpless. I could feel his nose against my belly button. His laughter was warm on my skin. I remember feeling uncomfortable because there were new ideas in my head and I enjoyed them. But I also knew that I would be damned for thinking that way, so I was really confused. He must have noticed what state I was in then as I heard him mumble something. And then he put me back into the water, only this time he lowered me slowly, like he had a purpose.
I slid down his wide chest and this kind of electrical charge ran through my body, I didn’t know what it was, I’d never felt anything like that before. I stopped struggling, my heart was pounding and my arms had gone weak. I was lowered further and I felt his stomach rub against my legs, we were both slippery and the feeling was exciting. Then my legs were back in the water but my feet didn’t touch the bottom of the pool ‘cos Bren was still holding me up, he seemed to be pulling me closer to him and my face was up against his chest. Then I slid my arms around him so I was hugging him and I think he hugged me back. I don’t know why I did that, I just liked the feeling of friendship he was giving me and it felt safe. The electricity was rushing around inside my body and I started to tremble. I held him harder. Maybe I was trying to hurt him. It made him gasp. Something was happening that I didn’t understand and it was going so quickly there wasn’t time to think about it. I thought I was going to wet myself but still I couldn’t let go. Everything was bright, the sun overhead, the sparkles on the water and even the air around me dazzled me. I cried out, my eyes opened with surprise and I remember him smiling at me.
LATER
There was a dark corridor with small rooms off it and, at the end, one larger room with a bench running all the way around. At first I thought some of the small rooms were toilets because they were so tiny but when I looked in I could see they, too, had a bench in them. Changing cubicles perhaps? Other rooms had a flat table, like a bed and I began to wonder what went on. The smell of damp made me feel sick and I turned to walk back the length of the corridor and out. As I hurried past one door that was not quite shut a noise startled me and I made the mistake of looking in.
My first thought was ‘how am I going to write about this?’ Then I thought ‘get out now.’ Then I thought ‘I want to watch.’ The last thought scared me more than what I saw and I checked there was no one behind me before creeping up to look into the small room through the crack in the door.
There was a man, naked, lying on his back on the table. He was about forty, I’d say, he had dark hair over his chest and some grey hair over his ears. His head was back and he either had his eyes closed or he was looking at the ceiling, either way he was not looking at me. Between us was another man, bending over the table with his head about where the older man’s groin could have been. The hairy man had his hands on the other guy’s head and it was going up and down. The guy bending over was naked too and I could see his back clearly. He didn’t have any hair on him at all and I imagined for a minute that it could have been me. He too was slim and not too tall. He was supporting himself with one hand on the table and the other on the hairy guy’s chest where he seemed to be squeezing.
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